I am disappointed all the time.
Even my funeral will disappoint me.
I will be there;
I won’t even be able to see it;
But I know.
It won’t be what my imagination conjures up,
Of how I am acknowledged.

I am sure people tell me now:
I am wrong;
I am loved;
I do good things.
And that is where I see the alignment with my thinking:
Of course I am wrong,
If I was right I would be recognized for knowing things;
Of course I am loved,
I am married aren’t I?
Of course I do good things,
I am not in jail.
lol! There’s a sad joke in there.

The problem is,
I don’t acknowledge myself;
I let the ground slip under my feet;
The sand slides with the outgoing wave;
And I, always late, shift to something,
Possibly,
but not, as I learn,
More stable.
(Because it’s still sand I stand on).

I guess I don’t know stable:
Stability
Groundedness
Confidence
Direction,
I am sure I don’t understand.

I remember my first awareness of disappointment,
As a kid, seeing myself in the mirror,
I didn’t have black hair!
I didn’t look like Dad!?
Ew… sigh…
I am unrecognizable.
I am nothing.
I am background.

My brother and sister
Have big identities,
And get big attention.
I am the good boy,
I can be ignored,
Because I don’t give trouble,
Because I am background.

My friends
Have big personas
And big identities
And have big attention their way.
I can’t keep up with them,
I am a second thought,
Because I am awkward to demand,
Like a wallflower,
Because I am background.

Can persistent and ingrained humility,
Create and build hubris?
Do I have an unreasonable
Expectation of massive overt
Shows of emotion?
Well that just goes to show,
Doesn’t it,
Even in looking for answers,
I have disappointment in what I find.

— . – —- – —–
(July 2024)